The following is my opinion, not to be confused or associated with any writer, blogger, or publisher linked to my site. The views expressed here are simply an observation about being a writer. If you are offended by honest reality and are seeking a momentary escape into the realms of fantasy turn back now. This isn’t the droid you’re looking for.
I am often amused at the lengths to which writers will go to attract readers. Not only do we sit in front of the computer (so aptly titled “the electronic succubus” by myself) but the amount of time we spend doing why I humorously have come to call “self-prostitution”. Readers are very much like prey animals in the sense they tend to avoid writers the way the deer population get nervous around the start of hunting season. In fact this analogy is quite apt. I have tons of friends here on the Internet who are writers, publishers and so forth. I spend hours each day blogging and promoting. Occasionally, like the homo sapein crouched beneath a tree with a shotgun across his lap, I await the appearance of the elusive creature called the reader. For those of you who have ever hunted you know this to be a cold, lonely and often frustrating time spent with yourself.
This is a breakdown of what I spend each day doing. Please don’t think I’m making this up or trying to get you to buy a book out of pity or remorse. Hell that isn’t the object of this blog. I’m just tossing out a bit of harsh reality to any would-be author.
- I get up, have a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and kiss my wife good morning (not in that order).
- I check my email. Going through the various author, reader and promotional groups I belong to due to having five different publishers. I answer or delete my email or fire off posts to said groups.
- I take a shower.
- Usually I have breakfast in front of the electronic succubus while I finish #2 up.
- I visit Facebook, YouTube, MySpace and this website to see if I have comments, mail or anything of interest involving my writing career.
- Another cup of coffee and cigarette.
- I send out either submissions to publishers or review sites.
- Now it’s about noon, I’ve been up since eight o’clock I usually start writing or working with a manuscript that’s in the editing process.
- I call my job to see if it’s casual day or do I have to get dressed up.
- I stop all this and talk to my wife for an hour, have her drive me to work, and we sit and talk in the car some more until I have to go inside and listen to people bitch about their stupid cell phones (or mostly cell phone bills).
Sound like fun? For all you would-be writers with stars in your eyes and an unshakeable belief you are the next Stephanie Meyers or J.K. Rowling this is what “working class” authors do every damn day. I don’t mean to scare you, but dammit this is how it is. Only three percent of all authors make it as a living. Period, end of fantasy. It sounds really harsh, I know but it’s the truth. Most writers spend all day in front of the computer (stay-at-home Moms and Dads that is with a spouse who works full-time). Other times not included in the above list we do a lot of what I’ve come to call “ego stroking and feather preening”.
Here’s more reality, it’s called the true worth of reviews and/or “reader” contests. Not to burst any bubbles out there or perhaps offend anyone but I’ve found reviews about as useful as tits on a two-by-four. Writers spend time cajoling and begging for reviews and in return we get more fodder for our websites or the publisher’s website. Ask yourself this, “When did I bother to read a review on any book/movie/graphic novel?” The answer that will come to you is, “Not bloody often, or usually if I’ve picked up the book because I like the cover art.” That’s about how useful a review is. Most review sites are filled with would-be writers or actual writers supplementing their income (if they get paid) trolling for ideas (a constant reality) or just people who want to read and not have to buy the book (the ever-present “Why buy the cow when I’m getting the milk for free” type). Not all fall into this category, just the majority.
Reader contests, in my humble opinion are even more useless. Do you know who votes for these? You guessed it the writer, the writer’s friends, family, peers in the industry and the writer’s co-workers. To prove my point I didn’t cast a single vote for my book in a recent reader’s poll. I finished in the top twenty—and spent five minutes laughing about it. Why? Because I know who voted for me—the same people I’ve named already. Well except my family I told them not to bother I was running an experiment. If this sounds cruel and unfair, sorry it’s the truth fairy and he’s not always pretty folks.
While we’re on the subject of a bit of self-delusion I want to put my two cents in about pen names. My name IS Christopher Newman. I refused to dream up some classy, promotional friendly personae to attract the interest of the “wild, elusive reader”. Sorry that just isn’t me. I did combine Oscar Wilde’s name with another to make it appear I’m in the same league. To me this is just the stuff dreams (or perhaps folly) are made of. My wife and I spend time howling in mirth at the various giggle-inspiring pen names some people conjure up. In fact it’s one of my favorite hobbies. This is second only to laughing at titles of books. I try really hard not to name anything hokey or trite. Some publishers re-name your books without giving you a say, this is another terrible truth in the industry. Just thought I’d send that your way.
The publishing industry is perilous. With the advent of the Computer Age every Tom, Dick and Harriet think they’re a writer. This is why “submission guidelines” on a publisher’s website are so convoluted and precise. They’re weeding out people who aren’t serious about it. Equally honest are the sharks out there people. Those agents, publishers and so forth who prey on the equally abundant animal known as “the unsuspecting amateur author”. Type in the following “Publish America Scam” and you’ll be shocked. In fact before you submit to any publisher, agent, etc type their name in and put “scam” at the end. Shocking isn’t it?
So you want to be a writer? Do you think you can live the lifestyle? If the above doesn’t make you cry or flinch perhaps you’ve got what it takes to be one. However remember you’re probably going to be in that 97% majority called “working class authors”. For those who reach the pinnacle remember this, be thankful you made it. Don’t piss and moan about how tough it is to go to book signings, red carpet galas or other big-time promotional events. The rest of us would give our left arm to be in your shoes.
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